So as I said, today's sermon was about healing. Healing is a broad topic, because it can range from healing a hurting heart to disease to the lost, broken soul. God's healing comes in so many ways. He can heal instantaneously or He can heal ultimately by taking us home to be with Him. Pastor Mark put it best today when he said it is not the "how" of the healing, but the "who." I am going to share my own personal story today of healing. I hope it does something for who ever it is that needs to hear this. Know that you aren't alone. You may not need the same sort of healing, but hopefully it will resonate with you in some way.
So my story begins almost 8 years ago. Michael and I had been married a little over a year and decided we wanted to start our family. We were young, reasonably healthy people, so this should be easy for us, right? Well that was wrong. We spent several years hiding a secret that try and pray as we might, we couldn't start the family that we desperately wanted. I guess I questioned why when so many people have babies they don't want, why we couldn't have one when that's all we wanted. I guess I felt like it wasn't fair to watch the news and hear about cases of abuse, neglect, and abandonment and me be left here so empty. But I continued to pray. I didn't realize where those prayers were going to take me.
After the years passed us by, we decided to talk to our doctor. Blood work, painful tests, and countless pills later, another year had passed and we weren't any closer. So we were referred onward to a specialist that could hopefully help us. We also decided to approach adoption as hope for a biological child seemed lost at this point. We were continuously told there was nothing wrong with either of us. How can that be when you aren't working as the body is designed to work? But it is all we were told. So we marched forward with countless tests, procedures, more pills, shots that could range anywhere from twice to 5 times per day and more doctors appointments in there than I care to count. In the mix was a loss resulting in an out patient surgery leaving me feeling more empty than ever. How could I have been pregnant going in and leave with nothing? I actually remember looking at the biohazard box and wondering, is that what they do with my baby? Crazy I know, but I was in a very weird place at that point.
During all this we were going through adoption classes, home studies, and putting together our life in a binder to try and adopt. It was a very surreal experience, but I learned so much and am thankful for the heart God gave me for adoption. I don't judge a birthmother for her decision any longer. I applaud her. She goes and does something bigger and outside herself and gives her child a beautiful life and with the power of open adoption, no one ever has to lose touch or where they came from. After watching a friend now seek out some answers about who he is, I can't be a bigger advocate for openness. But even with a new heart, it was broken, by two failed attempts. One we had to turn down and the other we were turned down, or maybe not turned down, but she decided to not place.
Over 6 years I walked through these dense forests of wondering and questioning what the heck had I done? But I never stopped praying and hoping. I was going to be a mom and I knew it. I didn't know how and I certainly didn't plan on this time line. I tried to smile every day and keep my head up and pray any time I started hanging my head, because those days felt like I was walking barefoot through broken glass that was on fire. Some days I felt like I was in the middle of a crowded room screaming and no one was paying any attention. But I still prayed every day that the next day would be the day....and then this happened.
My sweet Ashton was born after the last medical procedure we could afford to try. And 17 months later Ava would come into our lives with no medical intervention whatsoever. My family was growing rapidly and I was healed. I was no longer empty. I didn't plan on the how. I don't guess anyone I would sit in the clinics or adoption classes with ever does. But I never lost sight of the who even when it was hard. If you are suffering today, I challenge to open your heart to God and talk to Him. He may not heal you today of whatever it is that you are suffering from, but one thing He will do the moment you ask is Forgive and Save. Hope lies in that forgiveness and salvation. Faith will guide you through to the ultimate healing whenever that is set to come. It may be through doctors, instant, or through the ultimate healing of going home, but He will be there every step of the way if you just reach out. You never have to walk alone. Please witness my miracle, because it was just that. When doctors can't find anything wrong in why my body wasn't behaving correctly, maybe He was trying to teach me something. I learned so much about myself, my faith, my marriage, and my heart for adoption and my openness to share this testimony. I am perfectly ok with God making this example out of me, because it was through this I learned the value of His timing and His healing.
I hope you are inspired by this post and it touches someone. I keep all of you in my prayers every night and I hope you have a wonderful weekend. If you are hurting and want a special prayer said, just let me know. My challenge to myself this week is to continue to work on my prayer fitness as well as physical fitness. And don't think I am just Healed and done. God's still working on me for sure :)
Love you all more than you know! And thank you for reading this momma's little notes for the day.
Misty
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