I had so hoped to be Officially Waiting as opposed to waiting to wait for Christmas this year. But it doesn't look like that will happen. I was a little bummed, not going to lie, but I pray this means I will do much more waiting on this side and much less on the other. Hopefully our birthmother will be heading into the agency soon after we are approved/ready to be shown and she will pick us a lot sooner than we could ever imagine. This Christmas has been a little hard, because I fully expected to be a mom by now. Then when that got delayed, I expected to be gearing up for my due date which would've been February. Obviously that didn't happen. And now I had hoped to be officially waiting, and that doesn't look like it will happen. I could let all that get me down (and I have at times), but each time there has been a door closed, another has opened for us. Things will happen for us and the Lord is definitely using this to teach me patience. It is one virtue I not only do not possess, I think I possess negative patience :) I can't wait patiently on anything and I have prayed to become better at that.
Granted through this I have broken down and crawled in a corner at times, but I am learning that good things come to those that wait. And God knows this baby is worth the wait. It is funny to me how I always heard about the sacrifices parents make for their kids, but I didn't realize it would start before they were even here. But I am thankful it does. I am thankful to feel those feelings already, because they give me strength to keep plowing on through all we need to do to make our family possible. It also gives me the strength to talk to other people. I have found my happiest moments in telling my story and having others tell me theirs and that I have given them hope and comfort that the road doesn't end, it just veers off slightly to the left :)
I also believe God is teaching me that Christmas is about Jesus and family. Before I looked forward to gifts and food. Family time too of course, but we all focus on shopping and gifts and eating and things like that. This year I think God has used the experiences I have been through as a tool to teach me how important family is. All the gifts in the world don't compare to planning for this baby to join our family nor the time I have spent with my family during these experiences and now in planning for the baby. I am so lucky to have the family I have and the one I will soon have. That is the best Christmas gift I could ever get, outside the birth of Jesus. I am blessed to have my Faith as well. I take every step through this all holding my Father's hand. I stumble a lot along this journey and each time He steadies me and we keep going. I can't quote Bible verses like some can and don't know everything like I should, but I can tell you that His presence has not left me once through this. Even at my lowest when I questioned His intentions, He was there hanging on to me and letting me vent and cry and get it all out. And when I needed even more, He was there through my mom, Michael, my dad, and my best friends. I am a lucky lady and found my Christmas :)
I also read a quote that I loved that I want to use to help explain how my little one made it to us. "No, I didn't give you the gift of life. Life gave me the gift of you." The person who said it is unknown, but those words are so strong to me. Over the past 4 years I feel like I have lived 100 lives. It was up. It was down. It was fun. It was awful. But the minute I get where I am heading and hold Cupcake for the first time, I can already tell you, I would do it all again if I had too. Life is hard, but it is beautiful. It brings rainbows out of storms. I have braved the storms and I am heading toward a rainbow. I still have a long way to go and I am not guaranteed that there won't be more heart ache, but I know I am getting closer everyday. I guess that part should scare me a little. Soon my worries of phone calls of the adoption agency will turn into worries over cries, fevers, school work, driving, dating, and going away to college. But with all those things comes the joy of watching them grow into the person they were meant to be and I look forward to learning all about that person. (Even though I am already quite sure they will be President, a doctor that cures cancer,....or a ninja.)
Times have been crazy but they are getting exciting. The nursery is coming together and I have a play pen and now a car seat/stroller thanks to my parents. I also have a mattress for Cupcake thanks to Gena! The painting begins next week and we will watch it all get set up. So come on Cupcake! The bakery is almost ready :) I love you already more than you can imagine!
Merry Christmas guys! And thanks for listening to me while I go through the ups and downs! I have found my Christmas joy in waiting for Cupcake and spending time with my family! I hope you all have the best Christmas ever complete with Sprinkles on top!
Peave, Love, and Christmas stockings!
Misty
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Pizza and Politics
Ok so let me apologize right off because this post is going to be a little politically charged. I read this article just a few minutes ago: Domino's Founder Sues Feds Over Health Care Laws . Take a second and read it.
Ok done...now here I go :) First I want to make one thing clear. I don't believe birth control is a bad thing. I have used the pills, and while I did experience some side effects that effected my health, and I personally will not take them again, this doesn't mean I don't see a need for them. In fact there are medical reasons to take them far beyond just for contraceptive uses. In fact, if you go through fertility treatments you will probably take. Seems weird but it can happen. Write me...I can tell you all about it :)
Now why will I eat Domino's pizza every week for the next decade? Because I am thankful someone is standing up for the right to bear children! How is it ok to cover contaceptives and abortion, but not cover fertility treatments? Why can you opt out of having a baby, but not opt in? If it is truly woman's right to choose, why can I only choose one option? I can only chose abortion and have it paid for if I do not want a baby, but I cannot chose invitro and have it paid for if I do. Why is that not an insurance option. I am not seeing the fairness in this. I can tell you that infertility is not an option. It is a health issue that 1 in 8 couples experience. And we have no voice in the insurance community. We have no advocate to say, hey maybe they should be allowed to get medical help if they are diagnosed with this silent predator. But nope. Most insurances provide very little coverage, and that coverage is slowly going away. I am not on a soap box over whether I agree or disagree with abortion, etc. It isn't about that...it's about fairness. You want to give people one option...you should give them the other.
I am sure the Domino's founder might not agree with fertility treatments. Some people don't due to religious convictions, and that is ok. But I am sure he would agree that you shouldn't be forced into one option and not given another. I appreciate the fact that he is standing up and at least stating that this portion isn't fair. Like I said, I don't see an issue with birth control, but if you are going to provide coverage that "benefits" women, then benefit those of us dying to be mom's.
And while you are at it, can you please save the adoption tax credit. It seems like families are under attack. Everything that they can take to prevent families they are doing. In my opinion, families are the basis for everything. Why are they fighting it? This article talks about how hard the fight with infertility is and discusses a bill that went to Congress in 2009 called the Family Building Act, which would have provided Federally mandated fertility coverage: Many-couples-struggle-infertility-silence. Yeah you can guess it...that bill died. I have written my congressman about the adoption tax credit and if I had been educated about this bill at the time I would've written about this. It's as simple as giving families a voice. Be it adoption, treatments, or however they feel the need to grow.
I am angry and want a pizza now :) But again, I am not judging or making any type of derogatory remark towards contraceptives or abortion. I typically do not like to get into hot topics like that. But what I am strongly saying is, be fair. If you can have an abortion if you would not choose to parent at this time, why can't you choose to pursue treatments if you want to be a parent at this time but are inhibited by infertility? Why do we fund so many research pieces, but not infertility?
Can someone please tell me how to go and lobby on the Hill to make things in Congress happen? We as a nation get so preoccupied with other policy that we forget the fundamentals of what makes our nation great and that's freedom to chose. Well give those 1 in 8 couples their choice. Make insurance provide help. We pay for insurance, why can we not get the coverage we need? I love our country and government, but I think they need to think about everyone and not just select groups. Provide both choices or provide nothing. You wouldn't tell someone they could only receive preventative care but not care when they are sick would you?
So while I am not onboard with taking away contraceptives, I am onboard with the Domino's founder in saying I believe that this insurance thing is out of hand. What was so wrong with how things were and you could chose the best insurance and pay a higher premium if need be to get good coverage? At least the current plan I have covered the fertility medication and a lot of the steps leading up to the actual procedures. Starting Jan 1, nothing until I reach my now astromical deductible and then little to no coverage after that. However, birth control is a medication not subject to the deductible and 100% covered....what the french toast man? They say it is part of women's health and I appreciate that. I am love being a woman and being taken care of, but being a woman also entitles me to decide to have a baby doesn't it? If not, it should.
Just call me the female CM Punk....The Voice of the Voiceless :)
Sorry for the rant but I think it's time us infertile and adoptive parents stand up and say you know what....we are mad as hell and we aren't going to take it anymore. Treat us like you treat others. We want to be treated fairly and equally. GIVE US WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE!! And the right to choose...is not when you are only given one choice buster...so don't you dare try that.
Now I am off to buy pizza from Domino's and Papa John's :)
Peace, Love, & Pizza and Babies!!
Ok done...now here I go :) First I want to make one thing clear. I don't believe birth control is a bad thing. I have used the pills, and while I did experience some side effects that effected my health, and I personally will not take them again, this doesn't mean I don't see a need for them. In fact there are medical reasons to take them far beyond just for contraceptive uses. In fact, if you go through fertility treatments you will probably take. Seems weird but it can happen. Write me...I can tell you all about it :)
Now why will I eat Domino's pizza every week for the next decade? Because I am thankful someone is standing up for the right to bear children! How is it ok to cover contaceptives and abortion, but not cover fertility treatments? Why can you opt out of having a baby, but not opt in? If it is truly woman's right to choose, why can I only choose one option? I can only chose abortion and have it paid for if I do not want a baby, but I cannot chose invitro and have it paid for if I do. Why is that not an insurance option. I am not seeing the fairness in this. I can tell you that infertility is not an option. It is a health issue that 1 in 8 couples experience. And we have no voice in the insurance community. We have no advocate to say, hey maybe they should be allowed to get medical help if they are diagnosed with this silent predator. But nope. Most insurances provide very little coverage, and that coverage is slowly going away. I am not on a soap box over whether I agree or disagree with abortion, etc. It isn't about that...it's about fairness. You want to give people one option...you should give them the other.
I am sure the Domino's founder might not agree with fertility treatments. Some people don't due to religious convictions, and that is ok. But I am sure he would agree that you shouldn't be forced into one option and not given another. I appreciate the fact that he is standing up and at least stating that this portion isn't fair. Like I said, I don't see an issue with birth control, but if you are going to provide coverage that "benefits" women, then benefit those of us dying to be mom's.
And while you are at it, can you please save the adoption tax credit. It seems like families are under attack. Everything that they can take to prevent families they are doing. In my opinion, families are the basis for everything. Why are they fighting it? This article talks about how hard the fight with infertility is and discusses a bill that went to Congress in 2009 called the Family Building Act, which would have provided Federally mandated fertility coverage: Many-couples-struggle-infertility-silence. Yeah you can guess it...that bill died. I have written my congressman about the adoption tax credit and if I had been educated about this bill at the time I would've written about this. It's as simple as giving families a voice. Be it adoption, treatments, or however they feel the need to grow.
I am angry and want a pizza now :) But again, I am not judging or making any type of derogatory remark towards contraceptives or abortion. I typically do not like to get into hot topics like that. But what I am strongly saying is, be fair. If you can have an abortion if you would not choose to parent at this time, why can't you choose to pursue treatments if you want to be a parent at this time but are inhibited by infertility? Why do we fund so many research pieces, but not infertility?
Can someone please tell me how to go and lobby on the Hill to make things in Congress happen? We as a nation get so preoccupied with other policy that we forget the fundamentals of what makes our nation great and that's freedom to chose. Well give those 1 in 8 couples their choice. Make insurance provide help. We pay for insurance, why can we not get the coverage we need? I love our country and government, but I think they need to think about everyone and not just select groups. Provide both choices or provide nothing. You wouldn't tell someone they could only receive preventative care but not care when they are sick would you?
So while I am not onboard with taking away contraceptives, I am onboard with the Domino's founder in saying I believe that this insurance thing is out of hand. What was so wrong with how things were and you could chose the best insurance and pay a higher premium if need be to get good coverage? At least the current plan I have covered the fertility medication and a lot of the steps leading up to the actual procedures. Starting Jan 1, nothing until I reach my now astromical deductible and then little to no coverage after that. However, birth control is a medication not subject to the deductible and 100% covered....what the french toast man? They say it is part of women's health and I appreciate that. I am love being a woman and being taken care of, but being a woman also entitles me to decide to have a baby doesn't it? If not, it should.
Just call me the female CM Punk....The Voice of the Voiceless :)
Sorry for the rant but I think it's time us infertile and adoptive parents stand up and say you know what....we are mad as hell and we aren't going to take it anymore. Treat us like you treat others. We want to be treated fairly and equally. GIVE US WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE!! And the right to choose...is not when you are only given one choice buster...so don't you dare try that.
Now I am off to buy pizza from Domino's and Papa John's :)
Peace, Love, & Pizza and Babies!!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Somedays you wish there was no news....
So today is a day of heavy hearts. The tragedy in Connecticut is one I don't have words for. I can't begin to even grasp on to how something like this happens or how a heart/mind can be so filled with hate to hurt innocent children and teachers and faculty. It is so scary to think about it when I think about bringing children into the world. When school stops being safe.....when teachers have to be afraid to teach A-B-C's.....what do we do? My heart just breaks thinking of these families tonight. My family was hit with an act of violent crime that stole a member of our family from us. It of course wasn't of this magnitude (20 little children...not much rivals that), but it cut to the core none the less. I pray those families band together and open up their hearts and let God work as hard as He can to help them through this. I wish the news would just stop showing it all for a few days and give them time to grieve and regroup. A tragedy like this should be taken with the highest amount of seriousness and also compassion to those that were effected.
Tonight I am looking around me and thanking God that I have family here and friends all over. I am thankful we overcame the things we did and grew closer as a result. I am thankful for my two sweet dogs that love me whether I had a good day or a bad day...whether I am in pajamas or a formal dress....and love me a little more when I have food. I am thankful for a good job that allows me to pursue the family I want. I am thankful that job has introduced me to some of the people it has, including the men and women in our military that make me feel safe in a world where it is hard to feel any kind of safety. I am thankful for my parents and all they do for me, including making sure I have a Christmas tree this year even when I said I didn't want one...because they knew I did. I am thankful for my husband who bought me an animated Bumble today for our yard for Christmas time, because he knows what makes me smile even when I don't want to smile. I am thankful to have my Christmas spirit back. I am thankful for my friends who listen to everything I whine about and still love me. I am thankful for adoption agencies and advancements in science that continue to make miracles happen for families. And I am thankful for God who makes all of the above possible.
I stated all those things because in times like this, we need to remember to count our blessings. In times of tragedy, I think it is important to remember those things. And to let those things serve as a reminder to pray for the families that are experincing hard times. No time is harder than loss.
I wanted to end this blog on a light note, but I think I will just allow hearts to be a little heavy, but know that God will reach out and take care of these families, so pray prayers of peace tonight. And hug your family members. We are not promised tomorrow with our loved ones, so it is important to make sure they know we are just crazy about them and to not sweat the small stuff. This is something I learn more everyday. Small stuff doesn't really matter. That's why it's small. If we could go back and redo things with loved ones we have lost, we wouldn't fight with them over anything. We probably would always make sure we said I love you to them. We probably would surprise them with their favorite dessert more often. We would tease them a little less (or maybe a little more if they liked it!) So I want to make sure I live this way with people now. We get caught up in every day life and forget these things. But every day rat race....it's small stuff. Loved ones are big stuff :) It's a shame it takes stuff like this to teach us that lesson, but if any good can come out of such darkness, then hopefully it is that. And I also pray that if the last report of mental illness in this troubled man is true, that we learn more and more and one day can cure that type of illness.
I love you guys and I wish I could hug you all tonight. I am so blessed to have you and I hope you know that.
Peace, love, & HOPE
Misty
Tonight I am looking around me and thanking God that I have family here and friends all over. I am thankful we overcame the things we did and grew closer as a result. I am thankful for my two sweet dogs that love me whether I had a good day or a bad day...whether I am in pajamas or a formal dress....and love me a little more when I have food. I am thankful for a good job that allows me to pursue the family I want. I am thankful that job has introduced me to some of the people it has, including the men and women in our military that make me feel safe in a world where it is hard to feel any kind of safety. I am thankful for my parents and all they do for me, including making sure I have a Christmas tree this year even when I said I didn't want one...because they knew I did. I am thankful for my husband who bought me an animated Bumble today for our yard for Christmas time, because he knows what makes me smile even when I don't want to smile. I am thankful to have my Christmas spirit back. I am thankful for my friends who listen to everything I whine about and still love me. I am thankful for adoption agencies and advancements in science that continue to make miracles happen for families. And I am thankful for God who makes all of the above possible.
I stated all those things because in times like this, we need to remember to count our blessings. In times of tragedy, I think it is important to remember those things. And to let those things serve as a reminder to pray for the families that are experincing hard times. No time is harder than loss.
I wanted to end this blog on a light note, but I think I will just allow hearts to be a little heavy, but know that God will reach out and take care of these families, so pray prayers of peace tonight. And hug your family members. We are not promised tomorrow with our loved ones, so it is important to make sure they know we are just crazy about them and to not sweat the small stuff. This is something I learn more everyday. Small stuff doesn't really matter. That's why it's small. If we could go back and redo things with loved ones we have lost, we wouldn't fight with them over anything. We probably would always make sure we said I love you to them. We probably would surprise them with their favorite dessert more often. We would tease them a little less (or maybe a little more if they liked it!) So I want to make sure I live this way with people now. We get caught up in every day life and forget these things. But every day rat race....it's small stuff. Loved ones are big stuff :) It's a shame it takes stuff like this to teach us that lesson, but if any good can come out of such darkness, then hopefully it is that. And I also pray that if the last report of mental illness in this troubled man is true, that we learn more and more and one day can cure that type of illness.
I love you guys and I wish I could hug you all tonight. I am so blessed to have you and I hope you know that.
Peace, love, & HOPE
Misty
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Dear Santa...
So with everything that has gone on this past year, Christmas should be a time to be thakful for what we have and make the best out of everything we have been blessed with. It is also a time for kids to write letters to Santa...or in this case adults. It has been a long, long time since I wrote a letter to Santa, but this year, I figured what could it hurt and since he sees me when I am sleeping, knows when I am awake and all that....I figure he reads my blog too...so here's to saving myself a stamp and envelope:
Dear Santa,
Sorry it has been so long since I have written. If you read my last post, you know it isn't because I don't believe. I would say it is more in just growing up and doing Christmas a little differently as an adult. But this year, I am changing that up. This year I need a little Christmas magic and miracles. And I figure both you and Jesus are the two that can make that happen. I already talk with Him daily...sometimes twice, but I only get the chance to talk to you once a year. So I hope all those years I let you off the hook and didn't ask for anything from you have saved up, because this year, I want some pretty big stuff.
First, I want all the kids to get whatever it is they want this year. I have seen the Angel trees this year in the mall and they are still pretty full. It kills me to see that and think of sad faces Christmas morning. Kids are so innocent and helpless to tough economic times. They don't understand how everything costs money and sometimes jobs that provide that money are scarce. They don't understand that Christmas gifts are expensive. And I am glad they don't. They should get to be little and think the worst thing in the world is the cable being out, someone not sharing a toy, or school on what should have been a snow day. I wish I had the means to adopt every angel on that tree and give them an awesome Christmas, but I don't. I did a little for Bikes or Bust this year, but money is tight and I couldn't do more. I know how bad that hurt me and I am not their parents, so I can imagine how much they are hurting. So please take care of them. They are who truly put the joy in Christmas for all of us. I also have a dear friend who's son needs healing. I am not going into tons of detail on here, but you know who they are. Please heal him and give him the best Christmas gift ever, his health back.
Now if you have any time left over after that big request, I am asking for something for myself. It isn't something that can fit in a sleigh or even in the toy bag. (And it isn't a pony...although you never made good on that one...just saying) I am sure you think I am going to ask for a baby. And of course, I want that more than I want air some days. But it isn't that because I am not sure you can make that in your toy factory. (But if you leave one at our door in a gift box, I will happily accept it.) I am asking for some joy to be brought to us this Christmas and I am not picky how. A surprise "you are officially waiting" phone call would be great. A surprise decorated Christmas tree would be awesome too :) But our family has been through heck and back in the past 3 to 4 years. I wish this to be the best Christmas ever, despite any troubled waters we have treaded. We have proven we are strong enough to make it through just about anything. So now I would just like to see us relax a little. We are always having to worry about events in our life or money to pay for those, so a day break would be so welcomed. I dream about snow on Christmas morning, Christmas music playing, good food and smells all through the house, and laughter. No worries, no stress, just the true meaning of Christmas of faith, love, hope, and family.
And for another request, just keep the hope alive with us. We have had a lot of down falls on our journey and a lot of letdowns. Some very recent ones. Help us keep on remembering that hope and faith will get us where we are heading. It is a long road ahead, but the best places are often the longest distances. And help us remember that He will provide the financial means to get to where he is leading us. He does not lead us on a path and not provide. Help me to keep that focus in mind.
And if you can't do any of that, then how about some cash, a ride on Rudolph's back, a year's supply of front row wrestling tickets, CM Punk, a Hello Kitty backpack, Dr. Seuss Converse tennis shoes, pink glitter Tom's, some gummy bears, and a puppy?
Peace, Love, and Christmas Lights,
Your Faithful Friend Misty
So there is my Santa letter. Hopefully it made you laugh a little :)
Dear Santa,
Sorry it has been so long since I have written. If you read my last post, you know it isn't because I don't believe. I would say it is more in just growing up and doing Christmas a little differently as an adult. But this year, I am changing that up. This year I need a little Christmas magic and miracles. And I figure both you and Jesus are the two that can make that happen. I already talk with Him daily...sometimes twice, but I only get the chance to talk to you once a year. So I hope all those years I let you off the hook and didn't ask for anything from you have saved up, because this year, I want some pretty big stuff.
First, I want all the kids to get whatever it is they want this year. I have seen the Angel trees this year in the mall and they are still pretty full. It kills me to see that and think of sad faces Christmas morning. Kids are so innocent and helpless to tough economic times. They don't understand how everything costs money and sometimes jobs that provide that money are scarce. They don't understand that Christmas gifts are expensive. And I am glad they don't. They should get to be little and think the worst thing in the world is the cable being out, someone not sharing a toy, or school on what should have been a snow day. I wish I had the means to adopt every angel on that tree and give them an awesome Christmas, but I don't. I did a little for Bikes or Bust this year, but money is tight and I couldn't do more. I know how bad that hurt me and I am not their parents, so I can imagine how much they are hurting. So please take care of them. They are who truly put the joy in Christmas for all of us. I also have a dear friend who's son needs healing. I am not going into tons of detail on here, but you know who they are. Please heal him and give him the best Christmas gift ever, his health back.
Now if you have any time left over after that big request, I am asking for something for myself. It isn't something that can fit in a sleigh or even in the toy bag. (And it isn't a pony...although you never made good on that one...just saying) I am sure you think I am going to ask for a baby. And of course, I want that more than I want air some days. But it isn't that because I am not sure you can make that in your toy factory. (But if you leave one at our door in a gift box, I will happily accept it.) I am asking for some joy to be brought to us this Christmas and I am not picky how. A surprise "you are officially waiting" phone call would be great. A surprise decorated Christmas tree would be awesome too :) But our family has been through heck and back in the past 3 to 4 years. I wish this to be the best Christmas ever, despite any troubled waters we have treaded. We have proven we are strong enough to make it through just about anything. So now I would just like to see us relax a little. We are always having to worry about events in our life or money to pay for those, so a day break would be so welcomed. I dream about snow on Christmas morning, Christmas music playing, good food and smells all through the house, and laughter. No worries, no stress, just the true meaning of Christmas of faith, love, hope, and family.
And for another request, just keep the hope alive with us. We have had a lot of down falls on our journey and a lot of letdowns. Some very recent ones. Help us keep on remembering that hope and faith will get us where we are heading. It is a long road ahead, but the best places are often the longest distances. And help us remember that He will provide the financial means to get to where he is leading us. He does not lead us on a path and not provide. Help me to keep that focus in mind.
And if you can't do any of that, then how about some cash, a ride on Rudolph's back, a year's supply of front row wrestling tickets, CM Punk, a Hello Kitty backpack, Dr. Seuss Converse tennis shoes, pink glitter Tom's, some gummy bears, and a puppy?
Peace, Love, and Christmas Lights,
Your Faithful Friend Misty
So there is my Santa letter. Hopefully it made you laugh a little :)
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Early Christmas for Cupcake, Awkwardness, & Where Are You Christmas for Me....
It's been a few days since I posted and we are still not-so-patiently waiting for our official approval by the Agency to be on the list to be matched with our birthmom and soon to be little one! I have done pretty good and have yet to call our social worker once with the "are we there yet?" type of question :) So Leslie if you are reading this, I hope you appreciate my will power haha!
In awesome early Christmas news, baby cupcake got a huge gift from my parents (Since I do not know what they want to be called, I am going with Ma and Pa Cupcake....it's Sunday afternoon...just roll with it). Little Cuppy-Cake-in's now has a full set of bedding and all the accessories, along with an Alabama birth cloth and a cross for their room. Here is what the bedding looks like:
It also made this mama happy, because I can now start painting! Now when the furniture comes in, I can get the room all set to put a baby in it :) It won't have much else, but now if we get a late breaking call out of nowhere, we can survive through the night. Well as soon as I buy the carseat to bring little bit home it!
And now things get awkward. One thing I have learned through this whole process is that people have zero tact when they want to ask you something. I can handle that, but there was a point when I couldn't. I couldn't handle the weird questions or the remarks without wanting to cry, but I have gotten past that. Now I find the awkward comments funny to myself but a little infuriating at the same time, because those with fresh battle scars from this journey may not be ready to laugh things off just yet or explain them away with grace and tact. The past couple of weeks I have overheard someone whisper to a friend of mine "So what's the deal? What's wrong with her? Why is she adopting?" I have also been asked in a room full of people from all different backgrounds "if I would say no if they offered me a black baby ." And the gem of them all was a 15 minute monologue of a girl telling me how selfless I am to be adopting and knowing I am giving a child a good home and thank goodness I am doing it before I have my own babies, because when you have your own you can't choose what you will get and you could end up like her with special needs kids. Wow...yeah...
So I started to almost get angry and just yell at people over some of these...especially the last one. But I didn't. Instead, I have just tried to calmly tell people that we had always considered this path for family expansion. We just weren't under the impression it could potentially be our only way to do so. And then educate them a little on the fact we are getting a BABY. Not a specified cookie-cutter perfect straight-A captain of the football team (At Alabama - Roll Tide) never gets in trouble angelic little creature that can double as a baby or a pet. This is still a child who will grow and change and make mistakes and be imperfect, just like everyone else. We aren't adopting to make sure those things don't happen. We are adopting to make sure they do! We want to experience parenthood. We want kids that run around and make messes and successes and you love them regardless of which one it was today. We want eveything that comes with being a parent. And so does every other waiting adoptive family. Adoption isn't a journey into perfection. It's a journey to being a family. My family is everything from perfect. But I love that. I didn't truly love myself until I realized how silly and imperfect I am. I eat ketchup on mashed potatoes. I am scared of scary movies still at 30. (I love the Walking Dead even though it scares me!) I still can't draw. I still freak out if I don't cover my nose when I sneeze, but freak out more when I do and stuff gets on my arm/hand. I still think Bret Michaels' hair, Santa, and wrestling are all real. I still believe one day me and CM Punk will go shopping for Converse shoes together. I still leave dirty glasses by the bed. I still think it's funny when Hef leaves muddy footprints on the floor when I know I have to clean it up. And I still find it hilarious to give the dogs peanut butter even when Michael says not too. I am SO NOT PERFECT :) And I hope my kiddos are just the same. Imperfect and freakin' awesome just like their mama! :)
And now Christmas for me. I am struggling this year with it....a lot. If you know me, you know I am Christmas to the extreme. I have big trees, little tress, lights, movies, stuffed animals, Disney villages, the dog's have Christmas themed toys, and probably things I am forgetting. I love tacky Christmas sweaters and Christmas food. I love Christmas music and confess sometimes listen to it in March. But not this year. This year I am a little lost. It started last year just after Christmas when I lost my dog Heidi. I was so focused on Christmas and gifts and fun that I decided to put off getting an electric fence. She had been digging out and it was the only thing I could think of to stop her. Well it was right at Christmas and I put it off until after. Well after is when she dug out for the last time. I spent 5 days searching, walking, putting up signs, and enlisting my family and friends to search. We walked one last time and Michael saw her. She was peacefully resting in some brush. We assume she was hit by a car. But she was just behind our house. I never erased it out of my mind that it was my fault. It was my job to take care of her and I put something else first. I still haven't been able to even throw out her leash. Yesterday we looked at some dogs up for adoption and one reminded me of her. So it just opened up a sore spot I guess. I begged Michael to get this puppy and bring her home, but of course he said no. He has limited me to 2 dogs inside (and the fact that we are on a tight budget could also mean we don't need another dog right now.) But I have just thought about her and Heidi all day yesterday and today. That coupled with the fact we should be about 7 months along with the first baby we lost or 5 months with the second has just taken it's toll. We also have some other stuff going on right now that I will talk about another day, but it has just been tough.
Of course we are blessed to almost be approved in the adoption process, so I want to be sure that gets the bright light it deserves. With tight budgets we agreed to not exchange gifts with our family this year and just focus on saving for the rest of the process. But I guess in the midst of that we forgot our trees and decor for the holidays. It's all still put away and I think it has just made me a little sad. It has been a tough year for everyone and it seems like Christmas has almost slipped by without us noticing. Christmas isn't about trees and gifts and decorations. It's about the celebration of Jesus and His birth and I don't want anyone to get the impression that I don't know that or put the other stuff before that, because I don't. But the decor and things are part of the cheer. Maybe I should've slowed done long enough to put everything out and I would find the cheer part. I am praying that I get a little better focus this week. I can't replace my sweet Heidi or the little ones that were lost this year, but I can cherish what I have. I have my family, my friends, my husband and the promise of a family that seemed next to impossible last year. I actually remember when we found Heidi last year crying with my mom saying that if I couldn't have a family why would someone be so cruel and take my dog from me...they are all I had. So I have come miles down a road that I never thought I could even take one step on. In the process of writing that sentence I actually smiled for the first time this weekend. I guess there is my Christmas cheer. God has held onto me through it all that. I fell a lot, but He held my hand and helped me stand up, brush off, and move forward. Maybe it took me writing it down today to see it. Funny how He works through a blog :)
I am also watching Giuliana and Bill as I write this too. I never paid attention to her at all until recently. I didn't really care that some celebrity was having issues having a baby. But I watched her E! True Hollywood story and that all changed. She is me. She struck out made her career and wanted a family. Everything in her life was aligned, except the baby part. After failed attempts with IUI's and IVF (and misscarriages mixed in), she developed breast cancer and had to stop. Now she has a beautiful baby via a gestational carrier. So she is kind of my hero. She made it and even though it was a little different ending than mine will have, she showed you can do it. Because money can't make this journey different. It can pay for doctors and treatments, but if your body says no...then it's no...no matter if you have 1 penny or 1 million dollars. No is unfortunately no. And it can't buy you the perserverance you have to have to make it and it can't buy the love you have for your spouse who stands by you when you are ready to punch people. Watching Bill hold her and just be there reminds me of my Michael. I have literally out him through true hell I am sure. He has watched me suffer emotionally, physically and mentally through this. He has just withstood me saying things out of anger and pain. He held my hand and wiped away tears when times were the lowest and answered the same question she asked Bill when I constantly asked "why am I being punished." And he celebrated with me when times were the highest (well so far....I am sure there will be more when we hear approved....then someone wants to meet you....you are matched...and you are now Mom and Dad). So thanks Giuliana for reminding me what all I have and what all you can get through when it means being a parent.
Wow that took turns I didn't plan on. I never really plan on what I am going to write, I just let it happen and tonight it was a little more intense and lengthy than I meant. But it has been a long journey so I guess the posts mirror that. I plan on starting Insanity again next week so I may be having my last fat kid meal tonight :) If you haven't seen Insanity check out beachbody.com and if you are looking to get in shape and want to do it at home, I highly recommend.
Oh in other news...the cookbooks are printing as we speak and should be here in Early/Mid-January! Yay!!! I am thinking about sharing recipes on here too. I figure we can't fill up every post with I am waiting posts, so I will fill you full of crafting and cooking too :)
Ok enough :) Thank you guys as always for reading and loving this family of Cupcakes so much! We love you all back and thank God that you pray for us and think about us while we take this journey. Your words of encouragement keep me going and I welcome them always. Everyday means one day closer until my little family gains a new face and I am overwhelmed when I think about it. I may never know what it's like to experience a pregnancy, labor, etc., but I certainly can't imagine experiencing a baby coming into the world with more love and acceptance than this one will have. Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)
Wow now that I am in tears (good ones) I am going to go enjoy that fat kid meal I was talking about. After this emotional post, I think it may be a tub of chocolate frosting :) I mean I am going to be expecting a baby right....just because it isn't in my tummy doesn't mean I can't crave frosting out of the tub right? ;)
Later guys !!
Peace, Love, & Tubs O' Frostin'
In awesome early Christmas news, baby cupcake got a huge gift from my parents (Since I do not know what they want to be called, I am going with Ma and Pa Cupcake....it's Sunday afternoon...just roll with it). Little Cuppy-Cake-in's now has a full set of bedding and all the accessories, along with an Alabama birth cloth and a cross for their room. Here is what the bedding looks like:
It also made this mama happy, because I can now start painting! Now when the furniture comes in, I can get the room all set to put a baby in it :) It won't have much else, but now if we get a late breaking call out of nowhere, we can survive through the night. Well as soon as I buy the carseat to bring little bit home it!
And now things get awkward. One thing I have learned through this whole process is that people have zero tact when they want to ask you something. I can handle that, but there was a point when I couldn't. I couldn't handle the weird questions or the remarks without wanting to cry, but I have gotten past that. Now I find the awkward comments funny to myself but a little infuriating at the same time, because those with fresh battle scars from this journey may not be ready to laugh things off just yet or explain them away with grace and tact. The past couple of weeks I have overheard someone whisper to a friend of mine "So what's the deal? What's wrong with her? Why is she adopting?" I have also been asked in a room full of people from all different backgrounds "if I would say no if they offered me a black baby ." And the gem of them all was a 15 minute monologue of a girl telling me how selfless I am to be adopting and knowing I am giving a child a good home and thank goodness I am doing it before I have my own babies, because when you have your own you can't choose what you will get and you could end up like her with special needs kids. Wow...yeah...
So I started to almost get angry and just yell at people over some of these...especially the last one. But I didn't. Instead, I have just tried to calmly tell people that we had always considered this path for family expansion. We just weren't under the impression it could potentially be our only way to do so. And then educate them a little on the fact we are getting a BABY. Not a specified cookie-cutter perfect straight-A captain of the football team (At Alabama - Roll Tide) never gets in trouble angelic little creature that can double as a baby or a pet. This is still a child who will grow and change and make mistakes and be imperfect, just like everyone else. We aren't adopting to make sure those things don't happen. We are adopting to make sure they do! We want to experience parenthood. We want kids that run around and make messes and successes and you love them regardless of which one it was today. We want eveything that comes with being a parent. And so does every other waiting adoptive family. Adoption isn't a journey into perfection. It's a journey to being a family. My family is everything from perfect. But I love that. I didn't truly love myself until I realized how silly and imperfect I am. I eat ketchup on mashed potatoes. I am scared of scary movies still at 30. (I love the Walking Dead even though it scares me!) I still can't draw. I still freak out if I don't cover my nose when I sneeze, but freak out more when I do and stuff gets on my arm/hand. I still think Bret Michaels' hair, Santa, and wrestling are all real. I still believe one day me and CM Punk will go shopping for Converse shoes together. I still leave dirty glasses by the bed. I still think it's funny when Hef leaves muddy footprints on the floor when I know I have to clean it up. And I still find it hilarious to give the dogs peanut butter even when Michael says not too. I am SO NOT PERFECT :) And I hope my kiddos are just the same. Imperfect and freakin' awesome just like their mama! :)
And now Christmas for me. I am struggling this year with it....a lot. If you know me, you know I am Christmas to the extreme. I have big trees, little tress, lights, movies, stuffed animals, Disney villages, the dog's have Christmas themed toys, and probably things I am forgetting. I love tacky Christmas sweaters and Christmas food. I love Christmas music and confess sometimes listen to it in March. But not this year. This year I am a little lost. It started last year just after Christmas when I lost my dog Heidi. I was so focused on Christmas and gifts and fun that I decided to put off getting an electric fence. She had been digging out and it was the only thing I could think of to stop her. Well it was right at Christmas and I put it off until after. Well after is when she dug out for the last time. I spent 5 days searching, walking, putting up signs, and enlisting my family and friends to search. We walked one last time and Michael saw her. She was peacefully resting in some brush. We assume she was hit by a car. But she was just behind our house. I never erased it out of my mind that it was my fault. It was my job to take care of her and I put something else first. I still haven't been able to even throw out her leash. Yesterday we looked at some dogs up for adoption and one reminded me of her. So it just opened up a sore spot I guess. I begged Michael to get this puppy and bring her home, but of course he said no. He has limited me to 2 dogs inside (and the fact that we are on a tight budget could also mean we don't need another dog right now.) But I have just thought about her and Heidi all day yesterday and today. That coupled with the fact we should be about 7 months along with the first baby we lost or 5 months with the second has just taken it's toll. We also have some other stuff going on right now that I will talk about another day, but it has just been tough.
Of course we are blessed to almost be approved in the adoption process, so I want to be sure that gets the bright light it deserves. With tight budgets we agreed to not exchange gifts with our family this year and just focus on saving for the rest of the process. But I guess in the midst of that we forgot our trees and decor for the holidays. It's all still put away and I think it has just made me a little sad. It has been a tough year for everyone and it seems like Christmas has almost slipped by without us noticing. Christmas isn't about trees and gifts and decorations. It's about the celebration of Jesus and His birth and I don't want anyone to get the impression that I don't know that or put the other stuff before that, because I don't. But the decor and things are part of the cheer. Maybe I should've slowed done long enough to put everything out and I would find the cheer part. I am praying that I get a little better focus this week. I can't replace my sweet Heidi or the little ones that were lost this year, but I can cherish what I have. I have my family, my friends, my husband and the promise of a family that seemed next to impossible last year. I actually remember when we found Heidi last year crying with my mom saying that if I couldn't have a family why would someone be so cruel and take my dog from me...they are all I had. So I have come miles down a road that I never thought I could even take one step on. In the process of writing that sentence I actually smiled for the first time this weekend. I guess there is my Christmas cheer. God has held onto me through it all that. I fell a lot, but He held my hand and helped me stand up, brush off, and move forward. Maybe it took me writing it down today to see it. Funny how He works through a blog :)
I am also watching Giuliana and Bill as I write this too. I never paid attention to her at all until recently. I didn't really care that some celebrity was having issues having a baby. But I watched her E! True Hollywood story and that all changed. She is me. She struck out made her career and wanted a family. Everything in her life was aligned, except the baby part. After failed attempts with IUI's and IVF (and misscarriages mixed in), she developed breast cancer and had to stop. Now she has a beautiful baby via a gestational carrier. So she is kind of my hero. She made it and even though it was a little different ending than mine will have, she showed you can do it. Because money can't make this journey different. It can pay for doctors and treatments, but if your body says no...then it's no...no matter if you have 1 penny or 1 million dollars. No is unfortunately no. And it can't buy you the perserverance you have to have to make it and it can't buy the love you have for your spouse who stands by you when you are ready to punch people. Watching Bill hold her and just be there reminds me of my Michael. I have literally out him through true hell I am sure. He has watched me suffer emotionally, physically and mentally through this. He has just withstood me saying things out of anger and pain. He held my hand and wiped away tears when times were the lowest and answered the same question she asked Bill when I constantly asked "why am I being punished." And he celebrated with me when times were the highest (well so far....I am sure there will be more when we hear approved....then someone wants to meet you....you are matched...and you are now Mom and Dad). So thanks Giuliana for reminding me what all I have and what all you can get through when it means being a parent.
Wow that took turns I didn't plan on. I never really plan on what I am going to write, I just let it happen and tonight it was a little more intense and lengthy than I meant. But it has been a long journey so I guess the posts mirror that. I plan on starting Insanity again next week so I may be having my last fat kid meal tonight :) If you haven't seen Insanity check out beachbody.com and if you are looking to get in shape and want to do it at home, I highly recommend.
Oh in other news...the cookbooks are printing as we speak and should be here in Early/Mid-January! Yay!!! I am thinking about sharing recipes on here too. I figure we can't fill up every post with I am waiting posts, so I will fill you full of crafting and cooking too :)
Ok enough :) Thank you guys as always for reading and loving this family of Cupcakes so much! We love you all back and thank God that you pray for us and think about us while we take this journey. Your words of encouragement keep me going and I welcome them always. Everyday means one day closer until my little family gains a new face and I am overwhelmed when I think about it. I may never know what it's like to experience a pregnancy, labor, etc., but I certainly can't imagine experiencing a baby coming into the world with more love and acceptance than this one will have. Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)
Wow now that I am in tears (good ones) I am going to go enjoy that fat kid meal I was talking about. After this emotional post, I think it may be a tub of chocolate frosting :) I mean I am going to be expecting a baby right....just because it isn't in my tummy doesn't mean I can't crave frosting out of the tub right? ;)
Later guys !!
Peace, Love, & Tubs O' Frostin'
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