I had so hoped to be Officially Waiting as opposed to waiting to wait for Christmas this year. But it doesn't look like that will happen. I was a little bummed, not going to lie, but I pray this means I will do much more waiting on this side and much less on the other. Hopefully our birthmother will be heading into the agency soon after we are approved/ready to be shown and she will pick us a lot sooner than we could ever imagine. This Christmas has been a little hard, because I fully expected to be a mom by now. Then when that got delayed, I expected to be gearing up for my due date which would've been February. Obviously that didn't happen. And now I had hoped to be officially waiting, and that doesn't look like it will happen. I could let all that get me down (and I have at times), but each time there has been a door closed, another has opened for us. Things will happen for us and the Lord is definitely using this to teach me patience. It is one virtue I not only do not possess, I think I possess negative patience :) I can't wait patiently on anything and I have prayed to become better at that.
Granted through this I have broken down and crawled in a corner at times, but I am learning that good things come to those that wait. And God knows this baby is worth the wait. It is funny to me how I always heard about the sacrifices parents make for their kids, but I didn't realize it would start before they were even here. But I am thankful it does. I am thankful to feel those feelings already, because they give me strength to keep plowing on through all we need to do to make our family possible. It also gives me the strength to talk to other people. I have found my happiest moments in telling my story and having others tell me theirs and that I have given them hope and comfort that the road doesn't end, it just veers off slightly to the left :)
I also believe God is teaching me that Christmas is about Jesus and family. Before I looked forward to gifts and food. Family time too of course, but we all focus on shopping and gifts and eating and things like that. This year I think God has used the experiences I have been through as a tool to teach me how important family is. All the gifts in the world don't compare to planning for this baby to join our family nor the time I have spent with my family during these experiences and now in planning for the baby. I am so lucky to have the family I have and the one I will soon have. That is the best Christmas gift I could ever get, outside the birth of Jesus. I am blessed to have my Faith as well. I take every step through this all holding my Father's hand. I stumble a lot along this journey and each time He steadies me and we keep going. I can't quote Bible verses like some can and don't know everything like I should, but I can tell you that His presence has not left me once through this. Even at my lowest when I questioned His intentions, He was there hanging on to me and letting me vent and cry and get it all out. And when I needed even more, He was there through my mom, Michael, my dad, and my best friends. I am a lucky lady and found my Christmas :)
I also read a quote that I loved that I want to use to help explain how my little one made it to us. "No, I didn't give you the gift of life. Life gave me the gift of you." The person who said it is unknown, but those words are so strong to me. Over the past 4 years I feel like I have lived 100 lives. It was up. It was down. It was fun. It was awful. But the minute I get where I am heading and hold Cupcake for the first time, I can already tell you, I would do it all again if I had too. Life is hard, but it is beautiful. It brings rainbows out of storms. I have braved the storms and I am heading toward a rainbow. I still have a long way to go and I am not guaranteed that there won't be more heart ache, but I know I am getting closer everyday. I guess that part should scare me a little. Soon my worries of phone calls of the adoption agency will turn into worries over cries, fevers, school work, driving, dating, and going away to college. But with all those things comes the joy of watching them grow into the person they were meant to be and I look forward to learning all about that person. (Even though I am already quite sure they will be President, a doctor that cures cancer,....or a ninja.)
Times have been crazy but they are getting exciting. The nursery is coming together and I have a play pen and now a car seat/stroller thanks to my parents. I also have a mattress for Cupcake thanks to Gena! The painting begins next week and we will watch it all get set up. So come on Cupcake! The bakery is almost ready :) I love you already more than you can imagine!
Merry Christmas guys! And thanks for listening to me while I go through the ups and downs! I have found my Christmas joy in waiting for Cupcake and spending time with my family! I hope you all have the best Christmas ever complete with Sprinkles on top!
Peave, Love, and Christmas stockings!
Misty
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