In awesome early Christmas news, baby cupcake got a huge gift from my parents (Since I do not know what they want to be called, I am going with Ma and Pa Cupcake....it's Sunday afternoon...just roll with it). Little Cuppy-Cake-in's now has a full set of bedding and all the accessories, along with an Alabama birth cloth and a cross for their room. Here is what the bedding looks like:
It also made this mama happy, because I can now start painting! Now when the furniture comes in, I can get the room all set to put a baby in it :) It won't have much else, but now if we get a late breaking call out of nowhere, we can survive through the night. Well as soon as I buy the carseat to bring little bit home it!
And now things get awkward. One thing I have learned through this whole process is that people have zero tact when they want to ask you something. I can handle that, but there was a point when I couldn't. I couldn't handle the weird questions or the remarks without wanting to cry, but I have gotten past that. Now I find the awkward comments funny to myself but a little infuriating at the same time, because those with fresh battle scars from this journey may not be ready to laugh things off just yet or explain them away with grace and tact. The past couple of weeks I have overheard someone whisper to a friend of mine "So what's the deal? What's wrong with her? Why is she adopting?" I have also been asked in a room full of people from all different backgrounds "if I would say no if they offered me a black baby ." And the gem of them all was a 15 minute monologue of a girl telling me how selfless I am to be adopting and knowing I am giving a child a good home and thank goodness I am doing it before I have my own babies, because when you have your own you can't choose what you will get and you could end up like her with special needs kids. Wow...yeah...
So I started to almost get angry and just yell at people over some of these...especially the last one. But I didn't. Instead, I have just tried to calmly tell people that we had always considered this path for family expansion. We just weren't under the impression it could potentially be our only way to do so. And then educate them a little on the fact we are getting a BABY. Not a specified cookie-cutter perfect straight-A captain of the football team (At Alabama - Roll Tide) never gets in trouble angelic little creature that can double as a baby or a pet. This is still a child who will grow and change and make mistakes and be imperfect, just like everyone else. We aren't adopting to make sure those things don't happen. We are adopting to make sure they do! We want to experience parenthood. We want kids that run around and make messes and successes and you love them regardless of which one it was today. We want eveything that comes with being a parent. And so does every other waiting adoptive family. Adoption isn't a journey into perfection. It's a journey to being a family. My family is everything from perfect. But I love that. I didn't truly love myself until I realized how silly and imperfect I am. I eat ketchup on mashed potatoes. I am scared of scary movies still at 30. (I love the Walking Dead even though it scares me!) I still can't draw. I still freak out if I don't cover my nose when I sneeze, but freak out more when I do and stuff gets on my arm/hand. I still think Bret Michaels' hair, Santa, and wrestling are all real. I still believe one day me and CM Punk will go shopping for Converse shoes together. I still leave dirty glasses by the bed. I still think it's funny when Hef leaves muddy footprints on the floor when I know I have to clean it up. And I still find it hilarious to give the dogs peanut butter even when Michael says not too. I am SO NOT PERFECT :) And I hope my kiddos are just the same. Imperfect and freakin' awesome just like their mama! :)
And now Christmas for me. I am struggling this year with it....a lot. If you know me, you know I am Christmas to the extreme. I have big trees, little tress, lights, movies, stuffed animals, Disney villages, the dog's have Christmas themed toys, and probably things I am forgetting. I love tacky Christmas sweaters and Christmas food. I love Christmas music and confess sometimes listen to it in March. But not this year. This year I am a little lost. It started last year just after Christmas when I lost my dog Heidi. I was so focused on Christmas and gifts and fun that I decided to put off getting an electric fence. She had been digging out and it was the only thing I could think of to stop her. Well it was right at Christmas and I put it off until after. Well after is when she dug out for the last time. I spent 5 days searching, walking, putting up signs, and enlisting my family and friends to search. We walked one last time and Michael saw her. She was peacefully resting in some brush. We assume she was hit by a car. But she was just behind our house. I never erased it out of my mind that it was my fault. It was my job to take care of her and I put something else first. I still haven't been able to even throw out her leash. Yesterday we looked at some dogs up for adoption and one reminded me of her. So it just opened up a sore spot I guess. I begged Michael to get this puppy and bring her home, but of course he said no. He has limited me to 2 dogs inside (and the fact that we are on a tight budget could also mean we don't need another dog right now.) But I have just thought about her and Heidi all day yesterday and today. That coupled with the fact we should be about 7 months along with the first baby we lost or 5 months with the second has just taken it's toll. We also have some other stuff going on right now that I will talk about another day, but it has just been tough.
Of course we are blessed to almost be approved in the adoption process, so I want to be sure that gets the bright light it deserves. With tight budgets we agreed to not exchange gifts with our family this year and just focus on saving for the rest of the process. But I guess in the midst of that we forgot our trees and decor for the holidays. It's all still put away and I think it has just made me a little sad. It has been a tough year for everyone and it seems like Christmas has almost slipped by without us noticing. Christmas isn't about trees and gifts and decorations. It's about the celebration of Jesus and His birth and I don't want anyone to get the impression that I don't know that or put the other stuff before that, because I don't. But the decor and things are part of the cheer. Maybe I should've slowed done long enough to put everything out and I would find the cheer part. I am praying that I get a little better focus this week. I can't replace my sweet Heidi or the little ones that were lost this year, but I can cherish what I have. I have my family, my friends, my husband and the promise of a family that seemed next to impossible last year. I actually remember when we found Heidi last year crying with my mom saying that if I couldn't have a family why would someone be so cruel and take my dog from me...they are all I had. So I have come miles down a road that I never thought I could even take one step on. In the process of writing that sentence I actually smiled for the first time this weekend. I guess there is my Christmas cheer. God has held onto me through it all that. I fell a lot, but He held my hand and helped me stand up, brush off, and move forward. Maybe it took me writing it down today to see it. Funny how He works through a blog :)
I am also watching Giuliana and Bill as I write this too. I never paid attention to her at all until recently. I didn't really care that some celebrity was having issues having a baby. But I watched her E! True Hollywood story and that all changed. She is me. She struck out made her career and wanted a family. Everything in her life was aligned, except the baby part. After failed attempts with IUI's and IVF (and misscarriages mixed in), she developed breast cancer and had to stop. Now she has a beautiful baby via a gestational carrier. So she is kind of my hero. She made it and even though it was a little different ending than mine will have, she showed you can do it. Because money can't make this journey different. It can pay for doctors and treatments, but if your body says no...then it's no...no matter if you have 1 penny or 1 million dollars. No is unfortunately no. And it can't buy you the perserverance you have to have to make it and it can't buy the love you have for your spouse who stands by you when you are ready to punch people. Watching Bill hold her and just be there reminds me of my Michael. I have literally out him through true hell I am sure. He has watched me suffer emotionally, physically and mentally through this. He has just withstood me saying things out of anger and pain. He held my hand and wiped away tears when times were the lowest and answered the same question she asked Bill when I constantly asked "why am I being punished." And he celebrated with me when times were the highest (well so far....I am sure there will be more when we hear approved....then someone wants to meet you....you are matched...and you are now Mom and Dad). So thanks Giuliana for reminding me what all I have and what all you can get through when it means being a parent.
Wow that took turns I didn't plan on. I never really plan on what I am going to write, I just let it happen and tonight it was a little more intense and lengthy than I meant. But it has been a long journey so I guess the posts mirror that. I plan on starting Insanity again next week so I may be having my last fat kid meal tonight :) If you haven't seen Insanity check out beachbody.com and if you are looking to get in shape and want to do it at home, I highly recommend.
Oh in other news...the cookbooks are printing as we speak and should be here in Early/Mid-January! Yay!!! I am thinking about sharing recipes on here too. I figure we can't fill up every post with I am waiting posts, so I will fill you full of crafting and cooking too :)
Ok enough :) Thank you guys as always for reading and loving this family of Cupcakes so much! We love you all back and thank God that you pray for us and think about us while we take this journey. Your words of encouragement keep me going and I welcome them always. Everyday means one day closer until my little family gains a new face and I am overwhelmed when I think about it. I may never know what it's like to experience a pregnancy, labor, etc., but I certainly can't imagine experiencing a baby coming into the world with more love and acceptance than this one will have. Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)
Wow now that I am in tears (good ones) I am going to go enjoy that fat kid meal I was talking about. After this emotional post, I think it may be a tub of chocolate frosting :) I mean I am going to be expecting a baby right....just because it isn't in my tummy doesn't mean I can't crave frosting out of the tub right? ;)
Later guys !!
Peace, Love, & Tubs O' Frostin'
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