So for those that saw my Facebook post, the interviews went well. Nervousness and fear were quickly replaced with relief and excitement. We have our home visit this Friday. (Let the cleaning commence!) Not going to lie, that does make me nervous, but I think everything does and will until we are approved and officially waiting. Seems so crazy to be so excited about getting approved to wait doesn't it? But I can tell you I don't think there will be any sweeter word than Approved....well other than matched! :)
I think about what is going to happen the day we get a call that a birthmom wants to meet us or that there is a baby for us. It brings tears to my eyes when I try and talk about it, because it is just a flood of emotion. It's a bright light at the end of what has been a long, dark, and winding tunnel. And when I think about that, I think about our birthmom. She's out there right now. Maybe she already has that little baby growing inside her or maybe that is yet to come. I wonder if she is ok. I wonder if she is taking care of herself or has someone to help her through all this. I wonder what she will think of us when she meets us. I wonder if I will ever be able to find the words to tell how much I love her and what she is doing for my family. I wonder, if she is already pregnant, if she is thinking about me. Wondering what I will be like. I wonder if we have anything in common. Does she like the same music I do? Does she love sports as much as me? Does she love beach and the way the sand feels? Does she love riding with the windows down in the car and big sunglasses on like I do? Does she love the smell of fresh baked cookies or vanilla cupcakes? Does she love chocolate? I know it sounds crazy to wonder all these things and people probably wonder why I care. Well I care because her life is now mine too. I have heard people say that when you have children with someone, such as your husband, you are connected to that person forever. Well I see this as the same. I don't know how open or what type of relationship we will have, but I do know we are forever connected. My life is forever changed, because this person made a decision to make an adoption plan for her and our child. So my life and future are being shaped by someone I have never met. So I absolutely care about everything she wants to tell me. When that little baby grows up and looks at me and says, "Mom, do you think my birthmom loves Christmas and Christmas cookies as much as you?" My heart with overflow if I can answer, "Yes sweetheart. I know she does." It may seem like such a small thing, but it is all those small things that add up to something so big.
Of course I may not know all things and that's ok. If we don't have that open of a relationship, then we don't and I respect that as well. Part of loving my children is loving and respecting their birthmothers and their wishes. Adoption is about love and respect. It's not an easy road, but in life, most easy roads don't tend to lead me to places I want to be. Hard roads and rocky roads usually lead to greater things and teach me how strong I can be. I have learned that I can land on my feet more times than I thought I could. I have learned that I am much stronger than I ever imagined. And I have learned my journey is not over. I have a lifetime of sacrifice and excitement ahead of me with these kiddos that I haven't met yet. But even though I haven't met them, as I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks thinking about all this, I can already tell you, I would do it all again if it meant getting me to the children God planned for me. And if you have noticed, I say children in the plural sense. Because I don't plan on being one and done. I will walk through this journey again one day. It won't be as hard as it was the first time since the fertility stuff won't be relived, but it will still be a journey with a different story. Only next time, we won't be doing it as two people, but as 3....I like to think of it as Team Sims :)
Love you guys and thanks for taking time out of your day to read my rantings....sometimes I babble and I appreciate you always coming back for more :)
Peace, Love, and Calorie-Free Chocolate!
Misty
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